i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
