Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
