I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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