so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
