ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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