is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
