It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
