so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
