Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
