I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
