the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
