well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
