Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
