I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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