Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
