Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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