I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
