woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
