i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
