That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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