got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
