I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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