I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
