i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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