I am puke
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
