I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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