I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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