how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
