it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
