On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
