If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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