Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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