Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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