Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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