just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
