if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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