so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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