she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
