my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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