My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
