I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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