He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
