Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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