I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
