I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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