omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
