chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
