I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
