we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
