How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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