I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize