I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize