Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
